A man walked up to a Franciscan and a Jesuit and asked, "How many novenas must you say to get a Mercedes Benz?" The Franciscan asked, "What's a Mercedes Benz?" The Jesuit asked, "What's a novena?"
The Cardinal is having an important liturgy at the Cathedral for all the religious orders in honor of Missionary Sunday. He walked into the sacristy and was surprised to see the Franciscan, Dominican, Benedictine, and Jesuit all scrambling around each doing something different. He went over to the Franciscan who was making a racket tuning his guitar, "Father, why are you making such a racket? Can this wait." He looked up from his work, "Sorry your Eminence, I want my guitar to be perfectly tuned to make beautiful music for the Mass." The Dominican was pacing back and forth talking loudly to himself. The Cardinal tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention: "Fr., what on earth are you doing?" He turned around: "Oh, I'm so sorry Cardinal Sean. I was practicing my homily. My preaching must be the best. The sole glory of God." The Cardinal saw the Benedictine sitting patiently going over a checklist: "Fr. are all the preparations made for our roundtable after Mass?" He calmly nodded. Finally, the Cardinal looked over in the corner and saw the Jesuit sneakily pouring another two bottles of wine into the large wine cruet on the credence table: "Fr., what do you think you're doing?" The Jesuit stared back at him: "I'm making sure I'm ready for the roundtable. AMDG!"
One cold winter's day in Bethlehem, just after he had been born, Jesus is lying asleep in the manger. Awaking from his nap, he opens his eyes, sees the ox and the ass standing beside him, and thinks to himself, "So this is the Company of Jesus!"
At a conference about religious obedience, the Jesuit representative is asked, "Your Order places great emphasis on the vow of obedience. How do you ensure that Jesuits remain faithful to this vow?" He replies, "It's simple. Our superiors first ask us what we want to do, and then they mission us to do it. Thus, we never have any problems with obedience." Another conference participant then asks the Jesuit, "But aren't there some members of your Order who don't know what they want to do? What do you do with them?" The Jesuit replies, "We make them the superiors!"
One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him. He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum. So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"
A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Trappist were marooned on a desert island. They found a magic lamp, and after some discussion decided to rub it. Lo and behold, a genie appeared and offered them three wishes. They decided it was only fair that they could each have one wish. The Jesuit said he wanted to teach at the world's most famous university, and poof, he was gone! The Dominican wished to preach in the world's largest church, and poof, he was gone! Then the Trappist said, "Gee, I already got my wish!"
A Franciscan gets a haircut, and then asks how much he owes. The barber says he never charges clergy. The Franciscan thanks the barber and goes home. The next morning the barber finds a big basket of fresh bread from the Franciscans' kitchens. An Augustinian gets his hair cut by the same barber. The barber also tells him than he never charges clergy. So, the next day the barber receives a nice bottle of wine from the Augustinians' wine cellar. A Jesuit gets his haircut, and the barber again says that he never charges clergy. The next day, when the barber gets to work, there are twelve other Jesuits already waiting for him.
A Franciscan and a Dominican were debating about whose order was the greater. After months of arguing, they decided to ask for an answer from God when they died. Years later, they met in heaven and decided to go to the throne of God to resolve their old disagreement. God seemed a bit puzzled about the question and told them he would reply in writing a few days later. After much deliberation, God sent the following letter: "My beloved children, Please stop bickering about such trivial matters. Both of your orders are equally great and good in my eyes.
Sincerely yours,
God, S.J.
A Jesuit and a Franciscan sat down to dinner, and pie was served for dessert. There were two pieces of pie, one cut smaller than the other. The Jesuit reached over and took the larger piece for himself. The Franciscan remonstrated, "St. Francis always taught us to take the meaner piece." So the Jesuit replied, "And so you have it!"
There was a priests' retreat at some retreat house and during the course of it the retreat master asked them to break up into groups of three. They were then to share their deepest darkest secrets, things they had never shared with anyone else ever.
The Dominican priest after much hemming and hawing said that he was an alcoholic. He had been so ashamed to tell anyone before. He drank all the time and just couldn't kick the problem. He was so glad that in the sacredness of this small group he could share this and now he felt so good, so free. The Franciscan priest hesitated, but finally said he thought he could trust the other two and that his problem was gambling. He had been unable to control his urge to go to bet way beyond his means. He was also very ashamed of his habit and was so grateful that he could finally share it in such a context with his fellow priest. It was the Jesuit's turn. He told the other two that he was grateful for their openness and honesty. He said he was so ashamed of his own problem. He had been working on it for years but hadn't yet gotten a handle on it. He had tried hypnosis and therapy, but nothing, he said, had helped him overcome his compulsion to gossip.
What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?
Well, they were both founded by Spaniards, St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits.
They were also both founded to combat heresy: the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants.
What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?
Well, have you met any Albigensians lately?
An Augustinian, a Franciscan, and a Jesuit all die and get to heaven. Jesus asks each one, "If you could go back, what would you change"?
The Augustinian ponders a while and says, "There's so much sin in the world. If I went back, I'd try and stop people from sinning so much." The Franciscan thinks a bit and says, "There's so much poverty in the world. If I went back, I'd try and get people to share more of their wealth with the poor." The Jesuit looks at Jesus and quickly replies, "If I went back, I'd change my doctor."
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